Riding Round and Gettin’ It

I am not a NASCAR driver (contrary to popular belief). I am, however, a competent driver. Nothing enrages me more than people who assume I cannot drive because I have female genitalia. That does not affect my vision nor my reflexes. I brought my car (left the lambo at home) to Boston this summer and got to experience the realest of the real of the “Masshole” drivers, not that NY is any better. Since I’ve been here I’ve been forced to face the facts that many men think women are bad drivers, and OK I do see your point. Women do tend to be more cautious and careful, whatever. It is kind of a fair stereotype, but it isn’t one that applies to me.

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Taylor Engert

There is a Sunoco station down the street where I go and fill up my car with a liquid more expensive than grey goose–REALLY NOT IDEAL. Now, I hate when it’s not self-serve. I hate it because it’s always a man working at the station and he must think I’m on crack because he assumes I don’t know how to park my car next to the pump. This dude always pretends he’s saving the goddamn day by “helping me.” I haven’t parallel parked since the day I took my road test, but I’m pretty sure I still remember how to put the car in drive, move forward and then put it in park, but thanks for verifying. This same guy stands directly in front of my car, waving his hands like he’s some kind of police officer directing traffic, just to tell me to “move forward.” I know this is being directed towards me because I’m a girl because this guy never does it to men.

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Last week when this guy did this, I rolled down my window and told him he wasn’t a crossing guard  because clearly he wasn’t too sure. He still proceeded to keep guiding me towards the pump. There was no one else at the gas station. No other cars, just me and my small car. PLEASE LEAVE, SIR. Really, please make a swift exit and do not wave your hands in front of my windshield. I asked him if he wanted me to hit him with the car because he was just standing so close and flailing his hands, yelling MOVE FORWARD–aggressive crossing guard, am I right?  I still am contemplating a gentle love tap between the hood of my automobile and his crotch. Just kidding–kind of. It would be one thing if it was obvious that I sucked at driving, but I really don’t– do you see a Connecticut license plate on my vehicle? Nope, IT SAYS NEW YORK, BITCH.

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So now he’s obviously giving me attitude, but I had every right to call him out for being condescending. I’d like to see how he would react if I stood in front of his car wailing my body around like I owned that damn Sunoco station. He would not be pleased, I’m sure. He fills up the car, I say thank you and then he continues to direct me on how to drive out of the gas station–still the only car in the lot but I always forget that I’m blind, have no arms and never took a road test. Thank you!!!!!

“So Chill”

I want to see what everyone’s thoughts are on the idea of being “so chill.” I took the liberty of looking the definition up just to make sure I had my argument correct. So here it is: “Very relaxed or easy going.” So I would never describe myself as this because I know that I’m OCD and like to make a big deal out of tiny things but I still have friends who I would describe as chill. When I say someone is chill I mean that they are very laid back and easy to talk to. I can make plans with them and they are flexible about things. Agree or disagree, because from what I’ve noticed for quite some time is that to be “so chill” means you straight up don’t give a fuck about anything or anyone and that is what makes you cool. This makes me more nauseous than my roommate last semester that should have been on hoarders . This is disturbing. The fact that our generation seems to think that being a giant shithead and having no motivation is “awesome,” is deeply disconcerting.

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so chill

Lately, people will refer to the group of guys down the hall who have been kicked out of the school for low GPAs as “so chill.” Disclosure: at this university you get kicked out for getting a D average two semesters in a row which is pretty lenient. So how the hell do you manage to suck so much? Seriously, all you had to do was show up and you could probably pass. Help yourself.  These same guys are notorious for smashing beer cans into their head and breaking beer bottles outside my window with a bat at 3 am, and yet are referred to as “so chill.” I don’t know about you but failing out of school, breaking glass on concrete and inflicting your own brain damage does not sound ideal nor does it sound cool. These guys are the type of people who bring nothing to the table. They just make huge blanket statements about everything so that all their opinions seem vague and thus everyone thinks they’re cool because they have no opinion on anything. In reality, these people are just dull and would rather not say anything to appease the world than actual say something of interest.

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These are the kind of people who you think you want to be friends with until you actually have a conversation with them (or lack there of). You’ll realize once you’re in a social setting with these people that everything you say they’ll say the opposite just to seem different. So If I say “I heard that heroin was really bad for you,” they would say “Nah, it’s actually a  lot less extreme than you’d think. My bro from home handcrafts it and it’s pretty legit.” Bye. These are also the kind of people who you ask to hang out and they will respond with, “I could be down for that” what the fuck does that even mean!? You could be down? Either you are or you are not interested in hanging out, so better to just not respond if you’re going to say something so stupid that makes it seem like you are not even sure of your own interests. Or better yet they will ask “who else is going?” If you’re so concerned with who else is going then don’t come. Hit up your heroin brewing homie from home and stay on your couch talking about how lame everyone else is except for you–cause you’re so chill.

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Lastly, these are the guys who you’ve meet at least 15+ times and yet every time you see them out, they will pretend not to know you. They will act like they have NEVER seen you before and ask you what your name is, every. single. time. they see you. It’s not chic to act like you have amnesia all the time sir, so why don’t you at least pretend to be competent for 5 seconds.  Obviously this person knows your name but don’t take it personally–they’re too distracted by their lack of self-worth, confidence, and anything intelligent to say. So chill. I once spent an entire weekend at a music festival with a guy who went to my school and a week later he asked me what my name was. If that doesn’t say emotionally rooted issues then I don’t know what does but homeboy needs to make a house call to a therapist ASAP.

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Being “so chill” is the on the same level as being “hipster” which is covered in this blog. It is also a male version of being a basic bitch which I will cover later in the week, stay tuned.

A Bad Case of Resting Bitch Face

I was always raised to smile at strangers and make polite conversation, and unless someone had done something horribly wrong, I was taught to play nice or at least attempt it. Today, I feel like a majority of females I encounter look REALLY upset. Not like they had a bad day or are tired, no. These girls look like they have a giant pole in their butts and I really want to recommend a doctor to help them remove it because they look very uncomfortable.

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I am 100% guilty of giving people “resting bitch face” both intentionally and unintentionally. However, this is not my face all the time, as I like to smile at strangers I am passing on the street or say hi to acquaintances. If I do make this face intentionally at you, I will have probable cause.

This face takes a great deal of of effort to make, and I’m talking about and to the individuals whose faces remain in a constant state of resentment 24/7.So let’s have a moment of silence to acknowledge  all the hard working gals out there who have perfected keeping their face as hard as a tombstone and themselves as interesting as a brick.

But most likely, I’m usually smiling unless you have decided to be rude for no reason other than the fact that you definitely hate yourself, have serious daddy/mommy issues or were bullied in high school. Get over it.

Saying that, your face, “just looks like that,” I don’t buy it. I do not believe that people are created to naturally be looking like they have been gutted from the inside out.The point here, is that I see so many girls whose faces always look so angry, and I just do not understand why. My favorite is when

I try and smile at them only to receive dead eyes to match their dead soul and cold-stone faces in return. Why so serious? No really, why are you taking yourself so seriously that you cannot even smile back at someone who did nothing wrong at all.

It is so much easier to smile than make that face that looks like you are superrrrrr constipated. Unless you really are and then I can kindly point you in the direction of the nearest CVS for a laxative.

The looks I get walking to class on the day-to-day resemble the stares one might get if they murdered a person’s family. Did I hook up with your boyfriend, miss? Did I forget that I robbed you again? Nope, definitely didn’t. So you should really either light yourself on fire or take a shot (or fifty) of tequila and LIGHTEN UP, and then maybe you can show some genuine emotion that doesn’t involve being bitter.

On the plus side for these living, emotionless-corpses, you will age just wonderfully. No emotions = no wrinkles. Smiling? Forget that! Smiling is for losers and if you smile people might think you may actually be alive, how embarrassing!

Summer Slavery

So since it’s summer and most of you are all still undergrads, it is safe to assume that we are all spending our time at summer internships, just kidding I’m not cause I’m over being a slave.  Now, I am definitely sure there are people who have had amazing internship experiences and have learned a lot, this post is not for you. This is for people, like myself, who found that sitting at a desk for eight hours, building furniture and using Microsoft Excel wasn’t as enthralling as we had all hoped.

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The concept of unpaid internships piss me off because everyone’s time is valuable. Just because I haven’t been given a ridiculous expensive piece of paper just yet doesn’t mean you can exploit me for my time and treat me like a servant. There may as well be a sign on all of these internship sites that offer no pay that say, “Welcome to modern day slavery! These are the objectives of the internship but you can just ignore those and get on your knees and shut the fuck up.”  There is always the argument that you have to “do your time” but that’s bull shit. No one should have to stare at a computer for a million hours doing data entry and not even being thanked at the end of the day FOR FREE. The worst part about all of this is that we have to pay to get exploited. The price for a commute into NYC is about 400 bucks for a monthly pass, but no worries I suck, so I’ll just pay for it with your gratitude.

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Most recently, I had to go into an internship and dress professionally (which is fine and expected), and then sit on the floor and build Ikea furniture. I just feel a bit thrown because I definitely do not remember putting that I was minoring in construction on my resume when I applied. If this was what it was really going to be I would have appreciated a heads up that said I could dress like a homeless person, instead of actually trying to look good while I figure out what screw goes into what, and contemplating hitting myself in the head with the hammer. I also don’t remember reading in the internship “objectives” that I was going to learn absolutely nothing and get excited when I could even just stuff envelopes because it was better than building the goddamn IKEA furniture.

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This has made me feel like I have zero idea of what to expect in the real world and almost like I have no valuable skills because no one has actually taken the time to teach me. These people have taken their paid time to exploit me and you, hence that fancy little waiver they make you sign the first day. Yeah, that waiver basically says you promise not to sue them for letting them make you their bitch. My previous supervisor definitely had some control issues of her own and had taken it upon herself to pretend she was a dictator, although I think she actually believes she is a dictator. She had no idea what the fuck was even going on in the office and would proceed to project all of her anger and obvious disorientation onto all of us interns, who were just minding our business building our Ikea chairs. My linkedin looks qualified AF from this experience. When I say that I “have experience with social media” it really means I have experience being figuratively beaten and forced to pay for it. KILLING IT.

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So the moral of it all is, if you’re not actually learning anything GET OUT. These types of internships are full of people who probably don’t even remember your name. They’re like a bad one night stand that you awkwardly have to see every day, who don’t give a crap about you and you have to pretend you’re totally cool with it and tell yourself that you are “So over it.”

Dude You’re a Douche

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned since being at college is that there are a lot of really sucky people who think they are God’s gift to the Earth. I really wish these people would get hit by lightening, but only time will tell. Lately, I feel like I’ve been encountering a slew of individuals who seem to think that sunshine, does in fact, shine out of their ass. Does that hurt? It’s not even like these people have done anything significant for the world like medical research, community service, or overall just being a kind person. No, no, none of that. Instead, it seems that the qualifications for being “SO COOL” and obviously way better than me, is just to be a pretentious douche. This is directed towards both sexes, unlike them, I don’t discriminate.

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Recently, I had an “employer” who needed a lot of psychiatric help, and I have no shame discussing it here because the experience was so terrible I’m embarrassed to put it on a resume. At first she appeared normal, but soon after meeting her she would tell me how she “hated everyone” and that there were “no ugly people allowed in her office.” Please keep in mind that this individual was trying to run a start up company meant to empower women, and also if we’re being really honest, was not that cute….so was she not allowed in the office either? After the first day, which I wish would have been my last, she proceeded to make a really enthusiastic effort to ignore me as I walked through the door. She would full on turn around, make eye contact, give me a soft eye roll and then look away. Damn, look at those people skills at work! Needless to say, I don’t think she actually will be empowering any women anytime soon.

I also have been enjoying that children of wealthy parents think they are wealthy too, thus can stomp around and spit on you. I would just like to say that it is not your money. You did zero things to earn that money and you are the equivalent to a needy beggar in your parents eyes who accepts generous donations. So I really can’t stand it when I see someone post a picture of a pair of designer shoes that are probably more expensive than my apartment with captions like, “THANK YOU DADDY!!!” This is embarrassing for you and for your parents. This is like advertising the fact that you cannot afford these shoes and that you are a peasant that needs social feedback to confirm that you are cool by how many “likes” you get on this post. See you never. Another favorite is when kids on campus have Lamborghinis and Corvettes and drive around blasting their music. Yeah, Hey, we all know you cannot afford that car but I am really enjoying you flaunting the fact that you’re still financially dependent on your parents.

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I think that all three of these douches could use a nice slap in the face, followed by someone filming them getting cut off from their parents and or watching their horrid people skills come back and bite them.

 

I hate my best friends!

One thing that will forever blow my mind is the way that females choose to create/maintain “friendships.” Since I was at least six years old I can remember my childhood girl friends pretending to like people and then hating them the moment they walked away. Has no one else pondered how disturbing it is that small children are this vicious? I have, AND we are all still like this today, except for me because I hate women who behave this way and kick them to the curb as fast as I can. Still, I have a few good friends who do this all the time and I just do not get it. At least, I think these girls are my friends but now that I’m reflecting on this part of life hey, maybe they hate me too! Moving on….

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So, I have some girl friends who consistently call me and complain about another girl who is also one of her “besties”….ok. The conversation usually starts like this, “Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE insert name of victim here BUT she is honestly just the worst!” This will be followed up with, “she just needs so much attention all the time and I feel like she’s just so obsessed with herself, “blah blah blah, you get it. Every time this happens I always ask my friend why they continue to put up with it, or have they tried telling the person how they feel? GOD FORBID we stop being passive aggressive for one second to try and salvage a possible attempt at making nice. It is seriously so much harder to pretend to not be annoyed then just telling the person you’re annoyed. You will feel better after, you really will.

But no, my female friends choose not to be honest about their feelings and instead I get an ear full of verbal poop and then get to watch the same girl add 85 instagrams with the person she hates. This picture will then be captioned with the following, “Don’t know what I’d do without this girl, love you to death!!!” #bestie #loveyou #myfav I’ll tell you what you would do without this girl, you would find another girl within your group of friends and figuratively bash her head into the wall.

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WHY!? Why why why, do girls do this? I am girl, at least I am 95% sure that I am since the last time I checked, but I just do not understand. When I don’t like someone I usually just cut off contact, they probably didn’t like me either. OR if I’m bothered by something a friend is doing I JUST TELL THEM and 99% of the time your friend had no idea she was bothering you and will probably feel bad and say sorry and everything will be OK. However, for everyone else who likes being pissed off all the time, I look forward to your next rant followed by your next social media post of you confessing your half-hearted love for this girl who kind of, sometimes, always pisses you off but #yolo

 

 

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Repulsive Roomates

I should start this by saying that I am a clean person, not like OCD where I have to wash myself eight times and simultaneously do the dishes but I would say I am a generally tidy person. Over my past three years of undergrad I have had to withhold the urge to vomit all over myself and my dorm or apartment due to other people’s desire to walk around among their own filth. Not chic. It’s totally fine by me if you want to be repulsive but please keep it to the confines of your own room where I don’t have to see it/ get a hepatitis shot every time I come home. I cannot even limit these experiences to one single semester because it seems that a dark cloud of garbage/disease is drawn to follow me all over Boston.

So let me just talk about some of the events I have encountered that should probably be submitted to either Hoarders or Ripley’s Believe It Or Not. Now, I’m not really sure if these people are just plain stupid and their parents failed to teach them any kind of respect for other people or if they just out and out don’t give a shit, probably a sweet combo. I have lived with three different kinds of roommates: The Slut, The Idiot, and The Girl Who Doesn’t Give a Shit, they are all horrible and I pity and sympathize with any of you who have had the same experience.

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The Slut

This is probably the most common roommate in your freshman year. She was probably really calm in high school, her parents never let her go out or her high school boyfriend broke up with her. It is always the same. This girl was not on the edge of a psychotic break she was in the full swing of one!  I woke up every weekend in our shared dorm room to this girl with a different man in her bed. Hello? This made me super uncomfortable because it was like a never ending supply, and I didn’t know who these people were and seriously, thank god I was deep sleeper because whaaaaat!?

These sleepover extravaganzas were frequent and often felt like a game of musical beds.  I used to try and guess if the men I would see in the morning would have red hair, blonde, perhaps it would be an alien, it really was up in the air! She washed her sheets twice the entire year, yum! This was typically followed by said roommate crying in her bed about why the guys never stayed, which was sad but I mean, really? Get yourself together and evaluate the situation. When I asked if she could stop whoring herself out in my room, she didn’t seem pleased and stopped talking to me for two weeks because I was “not very understanding.” Oooh, you got me, I’m the worst!  There is more but it results in a fake pregnancy scandal and unknown substances on my personal belongings. Let’s move on.

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The Idiot:

Ugh, this one really may be the best of them and by best I mean absolute worst because this person is so dumb they may as well be the town idiot running around naked and yelling things at passing cars. This lovely individual was sweet, but just so dumb it was unbearable. This is making me sound mean but I’m being serious, she was on another planet (New Jersey I think it was called?). She got mono and strep early on in the semester and told me she refused to seek medical attention even though she was choking on her own tonsils and could not leave her bed. She said she was afraid of blood tests. Amen, girlfriend. I would rather die too then get a blood test! HELP YOURSELF. All night long she hacked her lungs out figuratively and probably literally, too.

So, I offered her Nyquil and she said she didn’t believe in medicine. LOL, ok. Simultaneously, we had a lovely bowl of green slime mutating on her desk, it really added an ambience to the room and to add to the decor was bits of throw up from her incessant drinking and “rallying” into our garbage can. This same girl once asked me if blood shot eyes meant she got roofied, and did I think her ex-boyfriend from three years ago was seeing anyone else? BYE.

 

The Girl Who Does Not Give A Shit

Ahh yes, this one is phenomenal as it is so grotesque that you may want to brace yourself. All I can say is that I once contemplated donating my hair so it could be turned into a wig for someone who needed it, but then I saw our shower drain and knew my roommate was just really going to out shine me. She had already made a wig in the drain and how could I compete with such talent and lack of respect for other’s cleanliness? I just could not, you go girl. I also had noticed that our toilet paper supply was dwindling at a rapid pace every week and I felt weird about so much booty paper going MIA, especially when I was the only one supplying it after asking her several times to contribute.

So, I bought toilet paper just for myself and I kept it in my room. There was no toilet paper in the bathroom for the next two weeks, until I bought it again. Needless to say I feel as concerned as nauseous about what her alternate methods may have been for the toilet paper? I also loved getting to experience a live episode of hoarders, first hand. I really apprectiated it when all of our bowls and plates went missing, it was the best eating cereal from a cup (soooo college)! I worked up the courage to venture into her room one day to find all our dishware all over her room, along with raw meat and all of our silverware. I bought paper plates and silverware after that and avoided eye contact. This is mostly ironic because she originally made a cleaning schedule but I guess it was just for me?

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