Social Media Climbers

Social media has made communicating the easiest it’s ever been but it’s also made for some really weird and awkward situations. Lately, I’ve noticed that there are people I’ve met in person, multiple times, who will later go on to ignore me on a regular basis. That’s fine, I assume that you suck. What the weird part about this is, is that these same people will then try to “friend” or “follow” me on social media. What are you doing? If you don’t have the common decency to say hello to me, why the hell do you think I want to let you engage with me on an even more private level?

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Yes, Facebook and all that jazz is more private than we realize. That’s where I share my personal pictures, thoughts etc. So if you have to act like you have never met me before, even though we used to sit next to each other in class, you’re straight delusional if you think I want to connect with your peasant-ass on LinkedIn.

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I really am so confused by this kind of behavior. If someone wants to pretend you are dead, why are they okay with believing you are still living on social media? This makes me think these people have serious social anxiety but most likely, these people are just a waste of time. I’m pretty positive I go to school at one of the bitchiest places on earth, and no that’s absolutely not a good thing and if you think it is get off this blog, I make fun of people like you. People at my school seem to think that they can be giant ass faces and then collect people in their online bubble to make them look more well rounded. LOL jokes on you. Not only does this make you look so absurd, you also are giving everyone a really good laugh because you, my sad friend, are not well-rounded, you’re just neurotic. This says that you can’t interact with people outside of your group of five lame friends and then everyone else thinks you’re a legit-psycho path.

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The amount of times random girls, who I had the displeasure of knowing, pretend that I am a ghost and then later try to be my friend on Facebook is insane. You are a crazy person. This is like the technological version of you having bi-polar disorder and I’m concerned for your overall well-being. So no. I definitely don’t want to connect with you on any platform ever, but it must be so impressive to them if I accept because I thought I was dead?

Why Girls Don’t Care That Guys Hate High-Waisted Shorts

The past few months my newsfeed has been overloaded with articles entitled, “Why Girls Should Stop Wearing High-Waisted Shorts,” or “The 12 Reasons Guys Hate Girls Who Wear Peplum Tops” Yeah, Hi I don’t give a shit what you think of my outfit because guess what? I don’t dress myself based on what makes you sexually aroused. I actually get up in the morning and put on what I LIKE simply because I LIKE IT. The funniest part about this is guys actually think we take their opinion into consideration on this. There are a lot of things I think about with men in mind, but when it comes to how I dress myself, absolutely not. So the influx of articles and bullet-ed lists about why we should stop dressing a certain way is not only a waste of your time it is also not going to work.

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SO here’s a list of all the reasons I LOVE MY HIGH-WAISTED SHORTS and every other thing I decide to drape my skin in.

High-waisted Shorts:
They are awesome because if you eat a lot or drink a lot of beer, it hides your food baby. Whereas, low rise shorts or jeans emphasize the carb fest brewing in my stomach from last night’s late night munchies. I don’t care that it “takes away from my ass and makes it look like I’m wearing a diaper.” First of all, I don’t have an ass so I didn’t care about that in the first place. If someone isn’t going to talk to me because of my flat butt then they should probably just get deported. You don’t like it? Leave. Second of all, yes, I see where you think it could possibly resemble some type of looseness in the back. BUT I LIKE IT. It’s breezy and comfortable and sorry that you’re all stuck wearing your sad, last season khakis and have a sweaty scrotum. I like my breezy butt shorts. It also looks chic AF paired with a bralette, so bye.

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Peplum Tops:
When I wear these kind of tops I have been referred to as a “ballerina” and a “pixie.” I never took ballet because I couldn’t sit still, and last I was aware I am not able to perform magical actions, so no I am not actually a pixie or ballerina because I wear this top. Peplum tops flare out on the sides and look perfect with skinny jeans or a tight skirt. If you think it looks bad, you are 100% not up to date on any type of fashion trend and also you clearly missed this year’s fashion week when every other model was seen and photographed for thousands of publications wearing these kinds of tops. So you saying you hate our tops just screams that you have no idea how to dress yourself and that you actually don’t know what’s cool. So saying to not wear these tops means you want us to be basic ass bitches? No thanks, but you can try with someone shopping at Sears.

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It would be one thing if you didn’t like the lipstick because you were trying to avoid a clown-style face when we made out, but to say it just looks bad, you know nada. Any well-dressed girl knows that a  nude or bright colored lipstick can make or break an outfit. It ties it all together. Guys say that it makes us look like “hookers.” Really? Does it really make me look like a prostitute? Interesting, because when I’m sitting inside a club and not outside on a street corner in my underwear I really don’t feel like a hooker. Women my age have been turning to the color red as the most popular lip color and if guys knew anything then they WOULD KNOW that red is scientifically proven to attract men. So us wearing the lipstick is actually turning you on without you even knowing it.

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It’s a shame that you’d rather look at girls in yoga pants, which is the most basic bitch item you can own, instead of appreciating women who are creative and up to date on the latest in the fashion world.  This only means you’re unoriginal and have low standards, give yourself a pat on the back, you’re super lame. Maybe invest more time in becoming well-versed in all things worldly, yes fashion is a worldwide topic, rather than spending your time making weak arguments against our outfits that we will never be listening to, just laughing at them. So excuse me while I go put on my high-waisted shorts.

Cat Calling

I know that every female can relate to the daily struggles of getting verbally harassed by strangers who make weird and sometimes animal-like noises out of their car windows. That’s right, I’m talking about the irritating and absurd behavior of cat calling. For those of you who don’t know what this is, here you go: A loud whistle or a comment of a sexual nature made by a man to a passing woman. Example: I catcalled Brian’s wife last night (courtesy of urban dictionary). Now, I’m not sure if people who do this actually think it makes women want to go home with them because you making ambulance noises at me with your mouth only makes me want to actually call 911.

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The first time this ever happens to you, maybe you were a little flattered and a little taken aback. I was 13 with bangs, braces and a terrible sense of style (abercrombie polos for dayz, hawt). At 13 I was flattered that I was getting male attention from a deformed man in a pick-up truck, but hey, cut me some slack. I HAD BANGS, BRACES and NO BOOBS. One of those three things is still true. Now when this happens, we all know that it has nothing to do with our looks. I know this because many a time I have looked like I slept in a dumpster and bathed myself in animal feces and yet the loud whooping noises will still come from a passing sketchy vehicle. The only thing I can assume about the people inside the vehicles is that they are either super horny, blackout wasted or just generally inclined to make women feel uncomfortable. It is probably a combination.

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The worst thing is that you can’t even defend yourself because it just triggers more unwanted attention. For instance, when this first began I used to shout back, “FUCK YOU” or give nasty looks, but this only proceeded to make the cat callers more into it. Now I know to NOT make eye-contact, as cat callers take this as both encouragement and an invitation to continue simulating the sound effects of emergency rescue vehicles at women. Why are you beeping your horn and whistling at people who are minding their own business. It’s like they assume that all women are holding some invisible sign that says, “honk at me if you’re horny,” but nope, not holding that sign you probably just drank too much cough syrup this morning and your parents failed to teach you any kind of proper respect towards women and human beings in general.

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Sexually harassing people on the street will not only result in zero dates for cat callers, it will also end up in a not so hot law suit. So instead of these people asking themselves which person they want to harass on the street, maybe they should dive a little deeper and ask themselves if they really can afford to pay the legal fees as a result of their absurd behavior.  If you can’t get out of the car to ask someone on a date you probably cannot afford the retainer fee for a lawyer sooooo…perhaps try exiting your vehicle and offering a passerby some flowers, not your sad excuse for a whistle followed by a derogatory comment. Meow.

Irritating Instagrammers

Every since Instagram made its big debut it’s been a hit. It’s not only made it easier for friends and people all over the world to connect, it’s also made it easier to make fun of them. We all have those select accounts we “follow” and now we wish we never did. The only thing is, is that these people are so irritating and delusional to how stupid they look on social media that we can’t look away–kind of like how it feels watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians, it’s so bad it’s good, but mostly just bad. If you’re on Instagram and you fall into any of the five categories below, you should feel bad for yourself.

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One – The InstaFit Bitch

This one may be the worst of them all. She floods your newsfeed with pictures of her food that looks like explosive diarrhea all over the plate followed by a hashtag that says #eatclean. How about no. First off, that legitimately looks like you took a shit on your plate and then put some asparagus next to it and I honestly don’t know how you even swallow that. The fact the you want to advertise that you eat shit for breakfast, lunch and dinner is confusing to me and probably to your fellow followers. This same girl adds pictures of her abs followed by something like this, “I just HAD to post this picture. I love my body and work hard and everyone wanted to know how I do it. SO here is the pic!” What this girl really means is, I have serious daddy issues and lost my virginity in the garage of pi delta delta pi sigma phi epsilon, or whatever.

Additionally, she will post pictures of the saddest “desserts” there ever were. Desserts are not supposed to be gluten/fat free, less than 100 calories or HEALTHY, that’s called vegetables. I sometimes feel a pain inside my soul when I see a poor and defeated looking version of “cake” that also resembles shit followed by #cheatclean. Fuck you, eat an ice cream sundae.

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Two – Thinking you’re an inspirational speaker

What is going on with the accounts that post cliche quotes that I used to use to make my AIM buddy info? Did we time travel back to 2005, probably not. Not sure why people are using IG as a means to say cliche shit to people that don’t care. Chances are that your 224 followers don’t need to see BRIGHT NEON PINK letters that say, “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” I AM crying because that happened and won’t stop until it’s over or until I click unfollow. These same people are the people who screen shot texts they  have written in their notes and then upload it. It’s probably something about some guy screwing them over and them giving up on men. So something like this, “I’m so done. The only man I need in my life is my dog, so forget you. I don’t even care and you were a waste of my time. I’m giving up on guys for good.” The only thing you have inspired me to do is to hit you in the face.

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Three – People pretending to be trendy

If I see one more attempt at an #OOTD (Outfit of the day) I will cry. It would be one thing if you were an actual fashion blogger because we all know those girls are loaded AF and can afford to buy a new outfit every day forever. People like us on the other hand, no. I hate to break it to you but your Michael Kors bag is not going to get you “likes” “followers” or anything else for that matter, except for a LOT of eye rolls. These posts usually consist of people wearing the most basic outfits I’ve ever seen and taking a selfie in the mirror. Your cut off jean shorts and striped racerback tank ARE NOT CHIC, so the hashtag (#fashion) doesn’t apply.

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Four- Hashtagging everything

The people who make every noun, verb and adjective into a hashtag to generate followers. Do less. This is visible to everyone and anyone that follows you and it makes you look deranged. When I see people take a picture of them and their friend at a diner followed by this #love #bff #diner #new york #food #missher #girltime the only people typing in these hashtags are people who are equally as desperate and will follow you just to get a “follow” and then unfollow you. So you’re not doing yourself any favors.

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Five – Guys who take instagram seriously

Ugh, yes this is the best of them all because it’s so pathetic. The amount of fratty assholes from my school who have sent me a follow request just to unfollow me the second I follow them back makes me feel sorry for whoever ends up getting tricked into dating them. I get why girls care so much about social media, but guys, not so much. If you are a male in your 20’s and you are purposefully seeking out followers, this just confirms how much I already thought/knew you sucked. Not only are girls pros at monitoring who unfollowed them on all social media platforms, they also are all laughing at you because you take it this seriously. I’m just picturing this man sitting in his dungeon basement trying to get instagram followers so he can get more likes on the picture he uploaded of him smashing a beer into his head and the pitiful girl he took to formal. #pansy

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Betches Love This: Nice Is Both A Place & An Adjective

Newsflash: it’s not cute to refer to yourself as a “betch.” It makes you seem dumb and no one will take you seriously. The word probably got all the hype when first made it’s mark on the web, and yes their site is hilarious, but the image behind it is not.

A “betch” appears to be being an idiotic, self-centered slut, or at least that’s the vibe the site puts off. I don’t think a lot of people identifying with this word realize that. You are most likely not a gigantic idiot, you just are a conformist or confused.


The amount of times I’ve heard women refer to each other as “betches” is absurd, so I decided to ask a bunch of girl’s what they associated with the idea of being a “betch.” The results came back as follows: annoying, ditzy, only drinks starbucks, slutty, dumb, rich, trendy, etc. The only positive adjective I see is trendy but even that’s a stretch.

Being a “betch” is the modern day way of saying you’re okay with dumbing yourself down, being a brat and expected guys to do things for you because you’re attractive. UMMMMM, someone please hit your parents in the face with a sledgehammer because it is never okay to expect things from other people in general, let alone because you are pretty. Your beauty is temporary but your intelligence has the ability to last.


The amount of times I’ve watched girls at my school think they can dictate social scenarios because they’re beautiful makes me want to vomit on them. You are completely attracting the wrong type of attention. A person interested in your body or your looks won’t be by your side in 25 years to appreciate how much you make them laugh or how smart you are.

The person you will attract is a douchey frat man who wants to rail n’ bail you real quick (it probably won’t even be good,) give you chlamydia and then maybe talk to you when he’s bored at night, at 3 am.

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Second of all, girl’s who blow up social media with how drunk they got the night before over and over again, get a grip and take a seat. For anyone reading that, yes it is totally funny, but people are not laughing with you,they are laughing at you.

For instance, one time freshman year I tweeted, “I apologize to anyone who saw me last night,” NO, NO, NO. I really wish someone had cut my hands off. This is a classic move to NOT do, people probably felt embarrassed for me and thought I was a hot mess (lol because I was).

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Third, thinking it’s cute to be “betchy” is bad for your own self-esteem. You are NOT better than anyone else and if you sincerely believe you are than that really means you are NOT. You are not defined by how skinny your stupid “thigh gap” is or how many “likes” your stupid Instagram gets with your stupid designer bag. No one cares, and people will unfollow you for that sh*t.

Being a “betch” is being okay with dumbing yourself down and not living up to your true potential. You’re only hurting yourself and making everyone around you hate you and plot your demise.

Also I’d like to take this moment to let aware that ‘Nice’ is not only a place in France, but it is also an adjective. So your book title is tragically inaccurate.

Cause I’m Out Here Grindin’

Whether you’re single, in a serious relationship or just doing you, everyone likes to go out to the bars and clubs to dance and mingle. In this day and age it seems that girls wanting to dance with their girl friends is now seen as an open invitation for random guys to hump them from behind. Unless you ask someone to “grind” I’m not sure of anyone who enjoys being an unwilling participant in your search for a human hand job simulator.

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If a guy asks me to dance, sure I’ll definitely dance with them, but lately I feel like the club scene has gotten progressively more repulsive when it comes to dancing. When I go out, I go out to spend time with my friends, not to get dry-humped by a middle-aged man, that’s only for special occasions. I don’t think it’s asking too much for guys to realize that just because I’m grinding on my best friend does not mean I’m inviting you over to rub your boner all over my back-side. Please take your half-flaccid male parts as far away from me as possible.

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I feel like it always starts the same. There is some EDM track playing that probably involves cliche phrases like, “fade into darkness” and “we can just run these red lights,” so deep. Anyway, the music is going and you’re happy to be out with your friends just drinking and dancing, having a good time. All of a sudden in the midst of your girl’s night you feel someone abruptly grab your waist and thrust their pubic bone into your butt. No. When did it become socially acceptable to simulate an intimate version of doggy-style on the dance floor? Whatever, I get that it’s a generational thing and it’s one thing to grind with a guy, but I’m not talking about just casual grinding. I’m talking about the guys who think that you two have just made a silent consensual agreement to have sex on the dance floor, except you never agreed to it. This man is not well. Before you know it, things have spiraled out of control and this guy has no intentions of stopping. When someone doesn’t even ask and just starts attempting to have sex with your back bone that’s where I need to draw the line, at least take me out to dinner first.

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First of all, why you want to rub yourself into my body that is covered in either denim or polyester is weird enough, I thought guys preferred the real deal or their hand, perhaps fabric is the next big thing. How innovative. The fact that guys think women actually want this to happen is a whole other issue. Last time I checked we were not in an MTV music video and I did not sign up to help you get yourself off in this bar.

The worst is when you nicely decide to tell the guy you don’t want to dance and walk away but he proceeds to follow you around ALL NIGHT LONG. This kind of guy is usually profusely sweating and wearing a muscle t with some trashy graphic that says, “Have you seen Molly?” or “Sex, Drugs & Dubstep.” This guy should have been refused from the bar for wearing a shirt that tragic. He then will try and dance with your butt in a way that resembles someone having a seizure or a slight epileptic fit, it’s not cute. You will then shake your head, nervously giggle and walk away. This guy will keep following you all while he is simultaneously sweating and seizing, skillful. He may or may not then try and lure your butt crack back to his perspiring body by offering to get you a drink. Do not accept this drink. This man wants to hold you hostage. He’s the serial killer of the bar. The guy that wants to grind the crap out of you until you drop. There are only so many polite ways you can tell someone to get the fuck away from you before you have to threaten to castrate them, then they usually get it.

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The thing is, is that it shouldn’t get to this level. Women should not have to threaten to remove your manhood or spend their night running away to just dance with friends. If I say to stay away from my butt crack, please stay away. I bet there’s a really drunk 17-year-old who illegally got into the bar and is dying for you to rub her butt crack with your sweaty junk. Unless you can’t speak English or have a certified idiotic IQ, there is no excuse for you to keep literally chasing people around a tavern trying to touch them.

See Ya Later, Vanilla Face

Has anyone or does anyone recall the people who made fun of them for no reason other than the fact that you were in the same room as them?  I do and let me tell you this, those people are so vanilla it’s hilarious. In case you aren’t aware, vanilla is not an adjective you want to be called. It’s worse than being called basic. It’s like saying you’re so boring that you’re the last option that any one wants to pick or be involved with.

The group of people I want to discuss are so vanilla that they cannot even be blessed with the option to add sprinkles. Yeah, they’re that bad.  These are the people who aren’t hipster and aren’t bros. They’re the people who think they’re so awesome that they can’t even have a category but really their category is just being a giant fuck and bonding together over being mean to people. They spend their time talking shit about everyone and finding everyone’s flaws, except for their own. They have no flaws because they’re too vanilla.

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These are the guys that categorize everyone they encounter except themselves. So for example, I would be categorized as “one of those girls” this is implying that I am slutty and annoying. 10 points for me, I win more crop tops and vodka sodas! Even though they have never had an actual conversation with me, they instead will go by that one time they saw me drinking at a party and conclude from there that I am for sure an easy, alcoholic-bimbo. So true, that’s actually why I got accepted to my school, they wanted more diversity.

They also assume that people that enjoy going out are stupid, which is ironic because this is the most ridiculous and ignorant assumption you could make. This then makes these vanilla douches appear more stupid than we already thought they were. Tragic. The last time I checked, there was a surgeon general warning on alcohol warning not to drink and drive and not to drink while pregnant, not one that suggests one may get significantly less intellectual, but hey, maybe I’m such an alcoholic-skank that I am now illiterate and can’t read that part of the warning!

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These are also the same types of people who even though they claim to not be in a category, they see themselves as better than you. More often than not, the vanilla faces probably go to sub-par schools and spend their time making fun of people who have done absolutely nothing to them besides share the same oxygen, which definitely calls for us lighting our heads on fire, how dare we!

They’re also the kind of people who you think are super nice at first but really they’re just as bad as the fake adolescent girls, shopping at the mall with their moms–making forced small talk in their matching mini skirts flannels and khakis.

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If you invite them anywhere they will pretend to really try and make it but they’re so burdened with all their other cool shit going on like wiping their butts and talking shit that they’re not sure if they can make it. The second after you extend that invite, they will tell you they will “try to stop by” which is code for, “this is lame and I shit bricks of gold, I would never come to this when I could stay in a corner in my room making fun of it.” 

Instead of being so boring, you could probably branch out and make new friends instead of hanging out with the same five kids you chilled with since 8th grade, talking about the same people who have all moved on to bigger and better things, like idk JOBS.  Don’t you have something better to do, oh no, obviously not cause you’re vanilla AF.

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Fun fact for the post: one guy once called me a basic bitch and then later on in the night tried to make out with me, like LOL ok sir if I’m so basic then why are you trying to put your tongue down my throat. See ya later, vanilla face.