A Throwback To The Realities of Being A Freshman

With college back in session it’s safe to say we have all spotted the arrival of the new freshman, and this will never fail to make me cringe,laugh and thank god that, that is no longer me. The days of pretending to be obsessed with people we met five minutes ago, hooking up on twin sized beds, and seeing who gained the freshman 15 may be behind us, but the memories never die. Let’s reflect on the pains of our first semester of freshman year, shall we?

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Going Out

Not sure how it worked for guys, but for girls going out it was always a BIG to do, literally. If you weren’t leaving your floor with at least 8+ other girls to go to that party over on that street that you can’t remember the name of, you were doing it wrong. You would all talk about your plans in the common area of your floor and all agree that, that party at Pi Kap sounds soooo fun! They probably have a keg! Banger!

You would all depend on your good friend Google Maps and the blue arrow to light way to the frat dungeons,”Okay we go left and then straight and then we’re there. Wait, never mind. The arrow says we’re going the wrong way. Turn that way. Okay yeah, we’re close. No, crap it still says we’re the wrong way.” You eventually end up inside some random house. Is it the one you intended? Probably not. It’s the keg that counts.

If you were at a city school, you were super psyched to try your ID Chief Maryland ID at the chic bars in town. You feel so bad-ass when they ask for backup and you hand them your Chase debit card. This moment is one of anticipation and doom. Will the bouncer be nice? He can totally tell I’m 18.

Your heart beats so hard in your chest until he bends your license, looks at you in a weird way and then let’s you through. OR he bends your license, looks at you, asks you what your zip code is, and you reply, “Ummm… I don’t have one.” He then pocketed the ID and you were back online ordering more out of state IDS from our old pal, Wencai Zang.

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Making Friends
You and your roommate are excited to be going out at school for the first time. You’re also so excited because your roommate is soooo amazing. You can’t believe you got so lucky. SO. MUCH. ROOMIE. LOVE. And just so everyone knows how serious the love for the roommate is you posted it on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook.

You also can’t get over how amazing your floor is. You love everyone! You feel so lucky to have met your best friends for the next four years, “I can’t believe we got to find each other this early!” This has been the best 48 hours ever—said every girl skyping with her friends from home and secretly holding back tears.

My personal favorite was that we had been at school for two weeks and people were posting things such as, “I LOVE MY SCHOOL SO MUCH!!!!!” “NUMBER 9 PARTY SCHOOL, SUCK IT GUYS!” “MY ROOMIE IS MY SOULMATE, SO LUCKY WE PICKED EACH OTHER THROUGH FACEBOOK. Yes, I am so sure your drinking pictures were a really clear indicator that you two had everything in common!

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Spoiler Alert: You won’t be friends with any of these people in a semester because you will either A) Join a sorority B) Get new friends because you realize that these first relationships were purely superficial. “You like shopping? No way, me too! Match made in heaven!” Or C) You transfer.

Sure, being a freshman was fun, but I’d rather light myself on fire that have to sit in a circle with kids from my floor pretending to be interested in each other. How well could we really get to know each other with fun facts like “I’m a twin,” “I speak more than one language” or “I like to travel,” LOL bye.

The truth of it is, the start of college is exciting, but forging your path into finding your real friends was not easy and I’m thankful that I don’t have to do it again. Because is there really anything worse than having to Instagram pictures with people you really don’t even like? What a waste of a filter.

The bullet-ed advice for 20 somethings need to stop

I’m really getting tired of seeing bullet-ed lists all over the Internet written by 25-year-olds, telling 20 something-year-olds all the things they absolutely have to do, wish they knew, or have to stop. Shut up.

First of all, you’re still in your 20’s so please tell me what makes you qualified to give me this bit of wisdom when you haven’t even reached thirty yet. Second of all, who thought this was a cool idea to start doing? These lists are literally the most general ideas I have ever seen/read–seriously vanilla. They usually consist of things like, “Read more” or “Worry about marriage less,” the kids I babysit could tell me this. Then people re-post them, saying “OMG soooo relatable!!!” OF COURSE THIS IS RELATABLE. These statements are so vague they can be applied to anyone, anywhere at anytime, kind of like horoscopes.

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As a 21-year-old I find these lists repetitive, painfully obvious and boring. If I wanted any kind of actual life advice I would go to someone who actually had life advice to give based on experience (parents, grandparents, older siblings) rather than someone who thinks they are capable because they have access to a laptop. Here are a few pieces of the most idiotic and self-explanatory advice on the web for 20 somethings:

“Meaningless sex will always be meaningless”
NO WAY!? Thank you so much for this. I honestly had no idea that participating in an act of consensual and meaningless sex would lead to absolutely nothing. Thank G-d for this or I’d be lost!

“Being single isn’t a death sentence”
It isn’t? Well this is just phenomenal news because honestly I thought I was going to get the chair tomorrow. If someone thinks being single is the equivalent to receiving a lethal injection they have bigger issues to face than the fact that they’re single, like the fact that they probably need to be detained.

“People Change”
Whoever started making this one trend has won my infinite hatred. Thank you Captain obvious. Pretty sure we have all come to realize that people change EVERY DAY and if you are in your 20’s and haven’t realized this by now it’s because you live in a box and haven’t had any type of interactions with human beings.

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So as far as I’m concerned, there is only one thing all 20 somethings need to do and that’s ignore anyone who’s in their 20s and making these stupid lists. Go live life for yourself, whatever you do it will be just fine. Except being single because that’s a death sentence.