7 “Sexy” Halloween Costumes That Should Have Never Happened

Fall is officially upon us and that means three things: Pumpkin spice lattes, Instagramming the leaves, and my favorite, Halloween. Even though it’s no longer acceptable in society to be a 20 something ringing doorbells and asking strangers for candy, at least we can still dress up.

I’m sure I’m not the only one that has noticed in the past couple of years that there is a super big emphasis on “sexy”costumes. There are sexy cats, sexy angels, sexy cops, sexy cowboys, sexy everything. Sexy.

Some of the costumes I’ve seen advertised are pretty ridiculous and pretty far from sexual until someone literally sat down at a drawing board and intentionally made these things slutty. So these are seven of the many “sexy” costumes I’ve seen and I’m confused as to how to feel about them. Are they so wrong they’re right or simply just wrong? I’m thinking just wrong:

1. Bumble Bee

I had no idea a bumble bee was sexy. Hell, I had no idea insects in general were considered attractive. Who knew! But here it is, introducing the sexy bumble bee: because who wouldn’t want to have sex with a bumble bee? I guess it can work as long as there’s no stinger, right?

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2. Minnie Mouse

The family favorite, Disney character is now a slut. Come on, Minnie. I thought you out of all of them would have been the one Disney star that didn’t go wild. What would Walt say? SMH.

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3. Oscar The Grouch – Sesame Street

Also known as the muppet that legitimately lives inside of a garbage can. Oscar now comes in a sexually arousing version of the character. The costume features a body con skirt and crop top. You’d think that living inside a closed container and on top of dirt and germs would make you want to cover up but I guess not.

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4. Scooby Doo

I loved watching this cartoon as a kid except when I watched it Scooby wasn’t a hooker. Times have changed. But hey, maybe he could get away with it…if it wasn’t for those meddling cops.

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5. Grapes

If I had known that fresh produce was now a sexual item I would have definitely changed my grocery shopping habits. I guess I would start buying these a little less publicly because now, they are apparently a sexual product. This gives healthy eating a whole new meaning, literally.

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6. Devil

For as long as I can remember Hell has always been a place to fear. I heard it’s way too hot and the people aren’t so friendly, but check out this costume: The Sexy Devil. Hey, if this is what Satan looks like then maybe being condemned to a fiery pit in the Earth isn’t so bad after all. Heaven may have a new competitor.

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7. Prisoner

Yes, being incarcerated is now hot. I don’t know about you but I love a “sexy” serial killer and nothing screams authentic like one wearing a crop top and booty shorts. If prison was actually like this I think a lot more people would be trying to get in than out.

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The Girl Who Claims Her Life Is “Perfect”

I can’t believe I haven’t written about this one sooner but was reminded this week of this type of person and you definitely all know her. It’s the girl who broadcasts every detail of her life via social media and no matter what is going on, no matter the time of day, her life is absolutely, positively, wonderfully, amazing! #blessed #luckygirl

We all know that this girl is absolutely, positively, full of crap. Anyone who has to constantly throw digital reminders about how fabulous their life is, is most likely not very happy. While this is kind of sad, I really don’t feel bad for you because that’s why they invented therapists.

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This person is the one who could be in the middle of North Korea and you could ask them how they are and they would tell you, “So great! So happy I came here, this trip really opened up my eyes and I’ve met the most amazing people I love this place!” K.

It’s super annoying to say the least. It’s like they truly want you to believe that they live in a constant state of manic happiness, which to me screams a severe chemical imbalance, just saying. It is not humanly possible for anyone to be happy all the time, it’s just not.

If we never had lows then we wouldn’t know what the highs were like. So hate to break it to you girlfriend, as fabulous as I’m sure your time in North Korea is going, I really don’t believe you. Shocking.

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This is the same person who will ask you how you are, or what’s new in your life, just so they can start talking about themselves. It’s basically like listening to a monologue about them and you would rather be covered in your own fecal matter than listen to any more of their ridiculous tales. Yes, it is that bad.

This person chooses to hide their life behind an Instagram filter, definitely Valencia, and will never admit that they may have any kind of problem. Their boyfriend is perfect, their grades are perfect, their clothes are perfect, they are just perfect.

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This person also captions all of their pictures with cliche quotes, so cliche it will make you wish you were blind because they are so redundant, “Wherever you go, go with all your heart” “it’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.” Oh for G-d’s sake, spare me. Please, who told her that posting this kind of repetitive BS was cute?

There’s nothing more frustrating than someone claiming to be some kind of super-human who feels no pain, sadness or any other emotion besides happiness. Honestly, if that existed you would be in some kind of government sponsored experiment where they were using you to create new drugs. Do you really want to be a science experiment because I’m having a hard time thinking of the cliche quote you would use to summarize that picture.