Why Kim Kardashian’s Butt Makes Me Sad

I always swore I’d never write about her, but here I am, writing about her. Ugh, I hate myself a little bit right now, but there’s a greater purpose here, I promise. I know we have all seen the infamous, “Break The Internet” picture, but if you somehow live under a rock, here it is:

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Before I go further, I have to say that her ass in this picture legitimately frightens me. No, I’m not jealous. I’m not trying to body shame her. She is a gorgeous woman, just not in this disgustingly edited photograph because IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO LOOK LIKE THIS.

I would honestly be concerned and troubled as to how the laws of physics and gravity worked on that woman’s body if I thought this picture was real. However, this screams Photoshop. The picture features Kim Kardashian’s butt with a small guest appearance by Kim Kardashian’s face. Now, it is a bit odd to say (openly) that someone else’s buttocks makes me sad, but it does. This edited image is a bigger symbol of what unrealistic expectations the media has created for our society, and it’s nauseating.

Kim K looks like how Photoshop wanted her to look. The viral photo is disturbingly disproportionate and everyone knows it. SHE even knows it. It makes no biological sense to have a waist that tiny with a butt that large, it just doesn’t. It’s viral photos like this that get captioned, “best body ever” or “sexiest women alive,” is she the sexiest women alive? To some yes, to everyone? No. Can I see those statistics and who are your sources?

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EVERYONE has a different definition of what the “best body” is, the media’s just so happens to be a cartoon character.

I honestly would have never known that an ass could get so much hype, it literally poops, everyone. It literally poops. But then I hear guys talking about it and they’re all, OMG LOOK AT DAT ASS IT’S SO FAT I WANNA BURY MY HEAD IN IT, and I’m just thinking yeah do you…because it poops, so I’ll pass. Also, I don’t think I would ever want a man to bury his head in my butt, BUT if I did, I bet you he still would even if my butt was tiny. Which I’m proud to say it is.

I’ve already encountered my fair share of sexism, bodyshaming, and the fabulously unrealistic male expectations fueled by the media. We all watch as our guy friends or boyfriends attempt to discretely, or not so discretely, drool over the magic creatures that are the Victoria’s Secret models, or gaze admiringly at Kim K’s tush. Yes they are beautiful, but for most of us, it’s unrealistic. I will never look like that, and I shouldn’t have to feel bad for not looking that way either.

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The media makes us feel bad for not looking like a Photoshopped magazine cover. We should not feel bad about ourselves because we didn’t decide to inject fat from our stomachs into our butts. We should not feel bad for not happily volunteering to have our own noses broken so they can be shaped into “cuter noses.” We should not feel so badly that we pay thousands and thousands of dollars to surgically alter ourselves into SOMEONE ELSE’S idea of beautiful.

There are women in Burma who wear fitted rings around their neck to make their necks longer because in their society a long and giraffe-like neck is beautiful. We see these women with their long necks and act so shocked and scared. Yet, here we are, in a society where I could decide to hop up onto a surgical table and have implants put into my chest because guys will think I’m sexier, and everyone acts like that’s just A, OK. Are you kidding me?

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We’re told that we have to have big breasts, but tiny waists. We’re told to have a fat ass, but skinny legs. These expectations are not just for women though, men are also affected. They’re told they have to have a six pack, muscular arms, chiseled jaws, piercing colored eyes, and big penises. Who decided that these were the “must haves” because light yourselves on fire, they’re not.

Also, did anyone tell Kim that the Internet still works?

Black Friday Is The Ultimate Contradiction

The end of November means Thanksgiving is approaching, and it’s one of my favorite holidays because um, food…and family and friends too.There’s nothing quite like a buffet of food and people you love surrounding you to be reminded of all the things to be grateful for. You can’t be ungrateful when you’re busy thinking of all the potential names for your food baby.

We spend the day remembering why we’re so lucky and to be thankful for all we have in our lives; it’s a serious day of self-reflection that tastes good. We spend the whole day preaching and recognizing our happiness and being satisfied. Yet the next day is the biggest contradiction of the entire year: Black Friday.

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Black Friday confuses me. Didn’t we just spend the entire day saying how happy we were with our lives, and how family and friends are more important than trivial things? Yeah, we did. But then midnight arrives and everyone acts like the world is legitimately coming to an end and all hell has broken loose.

Hours earlier, people were acknowledging how blessed they were, and now, they’re stampeding each other at the local Walmart because of a TV. There are a ton of news stories every year about people transforming themselves from humans into animalistic-barbarians whose only priority in this world is to get an iPad mini for 30 dollars less than the original price. It’s kind of like the real deal of Animorphs combined with appliances and electronics.

I don’t know about you, but I personally, would rather not get curb stomped, charged with assault and battery or lose a limb and just pay full price. Hey, maybe I’m just high maintenance. Sure, I know you can definitely get some serious deals on Black Friday, and props to the retailers for coming up with this sadistic holiday twist, they’re making millions.

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But come on. Can we at least wait 48 hours after Thanksgiving to act like we’re in a real life version of The Purge? We owe ourselves that much. The retailers really have us by the balls here; they just sold millions in food, dining ware and decor, specifically for the holiday where we tell ourselves, “I’m so happy, I don’t need anything else!”

Then the same retailers turn around and basically say, “JK, your life is meaningless, come and buy more things so that you can be even happier!” That’s corporate America for you.

Seriously though, take time this year to be content with the little things and then if you really realize you’re not satisfied, it’s definitely fair game to risk your life for the new XBOX. Happy Thanksgiving!

WTF: Three Times Your College Manipulated You

When I went to college I was sold on the idea that I would be given an opportunity to learn things I was actually interested in and be treated like an adult. I think many of you can agree that time at university, while can be fun, has proven to be one big, manipulative lie, and here is why:

Classes
You come in with a mostly open-mind, and ready to take classes that excite you. However, your first meeting with your academic adviser proves that no one really cares what interests you because you have to take classes you don’t give two sh*ts about. You want to be a communication major? Oh, that’s great! You have to take two sciences, and three math classes first! LOL cause that makes sense!!

Excuse me, degree factory? I will never need to know calculus, biology, earth science or statistics to be a successful PR professional but thank you so much for not giving me the option to pay for those credits! You rule!

You then spend hours agonizing over how boring these general requirements are. Didn’t you go to high school to skip this part? Why are you taking a writing class, AGAIN. Last time I checked, at 18, I knew how to correctly format an essay, but instead I got an additional class that told me that my essays needed an intro, body paragraphs and conclusions. Whew! Thank God for that class, or else I would have forgotten what my other ten years of schooling had taught me! Money well spent.

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GPA

Each school is different and grades according to different standards. My university grades based on how much hell they can put you through without actually killing you, because duh! They can’t get money if you die! Our grades are deflated, which is total B.S. So if you get an A, they give you a B+ and if you get a B+ you are given a B, that’s efficient right?

This negatively impacts any of us that want to further our own education beyond undergraduate. It puts us all at a significant disadvantage because we look way less competitive than everyone else. Why should we be penalized for working just as hard, if not harder than others, by receiving worse grades? Oh and don’t forget, you get to pay to be put at the disadvantage which totally rocks!

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$Money$

College degrees come with a large price tag, and if you weren’t given a scholarship and financial aid, say hello to your new worst enemy: Student LOANS. They are the best! You now get to be put in thousands of dollars of debt, that often cost more than your first years salary. Yeah, who’s pumped for that!? I know I am!

This degree will probably be the most expensive piece of paper you ever invest in, and you’re basically told that if you don’t do it, you won’t be successful. The academic system milks us for money we currently are not even worth simply because they know that they can.

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My question is this: If people want to educate themselves, why is it made to be so goddamn difficult? Colleges preach and preach about how they care about students and want to make them successful. HAHA, do you? Making it nearly impossible to achieve a competitive GPA without sacrificing your social skills, draining you of income you’ve yet to make, and forcing you to take classes that make you want to take your eye out with a spoon does not sound like the way to create successful individuals.

It sounds like a way to make us resentful of the academic system. So instead of asking us for more money each year for sports fields, dining halls, and whatever else you pretend to need. STOP EXPANDING. You have billions of dollars. Take that money and invest it wisely and stop being greedy.

Invest it in US or GTFO.

The Four Stages of Your College Hangover

It’s a tale as old as time, and similar to the cycle of life, it never ends. We tell ourselves we won’t ever drink Vodka again. We swear on our lives that, that’s the absolute LAST time we ever get that drunk on Tequila. Still, the next weekend we find ourselves bent over, praying to our porcelain goddess and BFF at the time: the toilet.

There’s just something about being drunk that us youths can’t seem to shake, but the next day we almost always regret the night before. Should we have taken that shot of fireball at the bar? Probably not. Did you need to buy that vodka soda after you already had six shots? Ehhh, not so much.

You will enjoy it thoroughly at the time though, and that’s what matters most. However, tomorrow when you wake up, you will regret ever drop of alcohol you let slide down your esophagus, and this is how your hangover will play out:

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Confusion

You open your eyes, your vision is still blurry and mixed with sleep or lack there of. Why did you fall asleep with the light on? That’s weird. You also don’t remember changing into these sweats, but you’ll take it.

And holy crap, you’re so thirsty. Your mouth is dryer than the Sahara desert. Must.Get.Water.Now. Your cotton mouth is off the charts and no matter how many sips you take of water, you can’t quench your thirst.

“What time did I get back? How did I get that drunk? I swear I didn’t even have that much to drink.” But you did, and you know it. Your liver is weeping, say you’re sorry. No, like you mean it.

Suffering

You find the courage somewhere deep inside yourself to get up from the bed. You can do this. Sitting upright feels like a victory. Olympic medalists have nothing on you. The second you make it to a vertical position that’s when someone starts playing drums inside your skull. Fantastic.

The pounding is so bad and mixed with your severe dehydration you don’t think you can move another foot. “I HATE VODKA, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU VODKA,” you think to yourself as you attempt to swallow some Advil.


More Suffering

Just when you think your headache is dulling, and you no longer feel like a camel that has gone weeks without water, that’s when it hits you: the nausea. Oh sh*t. WHY!? WHY ME!?

You will run to the bathroom and if you’re lucky you’ll get something out and if you’re not so lucky… you will sit on your floor gagging on nothing but air and water, and wishing you could go back in time, and punch yourself in the face before you took another drink.

Ready To Go

Now that you have wasted your entire Saturday wallowing in self-pity, fatigue and disgust, you start to feel better. It’s around 4:30-5 pm and you realize you accomplished absolutely nothing today except pay for your sins of making bad choices.

“Never again,” you tell yourself, “never again.” But now it’s nearing dinner time and your friends are all discussing their Saturday night plans. You don’t want to feel left out…ugh fine, you guess you could go for one more night out. You’ll just pace yourself this time, right?

Cheers (Let’s to Drink to That) 10 Rihanna Quotes That Remind Us That Women Kick Ass

Rihanna made her debut onto the music scene with her hit single, “Pon De Replay,” but she has certainly come a long, long way since then. She has sold over 150 million records world wide and has had countless singles land number one on the billboard charts. She is a woman who knows no bounds, and I love it.

She wears what she wants, says what she wants and stands up for what she believes in. Not only is she fearless when it comes to  speaking her mind and her fashion choices, she is an extraordinary example  and reminder of all the ways that women are absolutely fabulous.

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In honor of RiRi being back on that Insta-game and killing it, let’s reflect on the times she’s reminded us just how much women kick absolute butt and never need to compromise themselves:

“Cause you ain’t never had a woman like me, and you ain’t never have another like me.”

 

“Don’t hide from who you are.”

 

“I stand up for what I believe in and a lot of the time that can be against people’s opinions.”

 

“I play by my own rules so please think twice before you step into my life.”

 

“Who cares how you haters feel.”

 

“You cannot block my shine.”

 

“Be a girl with a mind, a bitch with an attitude, and lady with class.”

 

“Work your hardest. Think your smartest. Dream your biggest. Love your fullest. Smile your brightest.”

 

“I’m moving forward in my life, only way I’m looking back at it is if it’s my ass in the mirror.”

 

“Don’t lower your standards for anything or anyone.”

We aren’t sending out an SOS for a Knight in shining armor because we are our own, and the only umbrella we ever need to stand under is the one we bought. Thanks for the reminding us Rihanna, that we’re truly unstoppable, and should never compromise ourselves for others.

Quote Courtesy of We Heart It

Why Being Beautiful Does Not Mean You’re Entitled To Anything

There is a very widespread and common misconception in our society that if you are beautiful then you are more entitled. This is heartbreaking and so far from the truth. Chances are if you are now in your 20s and have had access to a mirror at some point, you know what you look like. There is nothing wrong with knowing and acknowledging the way you look.

Some people are more attractive than others. That’s it, that’s life. However, some people choose to go above and beyond simply acknowledging their attractiveness. Instead of realizing that your looks are merely one part of who you are, some choose to believe that their looks define who they are as a human. No, no sweetheart.Take a seat and let me break this down for you.

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First of all, being beautiful is all thanks to your parents. You have done absolutely nothing special or extraordinary to contribute to your facial structure, so yeah. If you were made the old-fashioned way, then your parents had sex and a sperm with fabulous genetics merged with an egg that also had fabulous genetics. FYI there were a million chances in there that you could come out looking like a troll, so don’t get all high and mighty because hot sperm and a hot egg found each other. It was LUCK.

If you are beautiful then things will come easier for you and that’s just the sad, honest truth. You’re more likely to get a better job and people generally respond more positively to a beautiful person in comparison to one who is not. Fine, that’s biologically based, but to walk around like you sh*t bricks of gold is absolutely absurd.

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Being beautiful does not mean you can treat everyone around you like they are worthless. Newsflash, your looks WILL NOT I repeat WILL NOT last. Unless you find the fountain of youth, you will get old and will not be beautiful forever. You will get wrinkles and age like we were designed to do, and what then?

How do you think everyone around you will respond to a mean, old person who treats others poorly? Um, not well, and you know what else? If you treat people poorly now, they probably don’t care that you’re “pretty” they probably just think you’re an asshole.

I have encountered so many young woman who truly believe that their self worth lies in their attractiveness and it’s so sad. I, myself, used to be guilty of this in high school, and it’s really sad, but it’s also not just an individual decision. The media reinforces these beliefs. We’re told that if we look pretty that guys will like us, that being beautiful means you’re better than others, and that drives this entire messed up ideology.

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Being beautiful means you got lucky, but being a decent person? That’s a choice. At the end of the day and at the end of your time here, all you will have is your memories and how you treated people. Unless you have been lobotomized, chances are, you will feel poorly about yourself if you treat people badly, and no one will miss you because of how pretty you were. People are missed because of how big their hearts are, and how kindly they treat other human beings.

So wipe that smirk off your face and get down off your high horse. We get it, you’re good looking, so are a million other people. What makes you different? Seriously, though? Are you funny, a good writer, great a math, what? There are so many more important and rewarding things that make you a human being than how attractive you are. Yes, you have nice facial features but tell me why that makes you a good person, a good friend or a good human? It doesn’t.

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Attractiveness is a superficial standard and quality that provides no purpose to your existence, so don’t treat people like absolute crap because you’re no better than anyone. If anything, if you treat people badly, you’re below them. When women talk about other women, many times the first thing they say when they don’t like the person is, “Whatever, I’m prettier than her.” And, maybe you are and maybe you aren’t, but does that really make you feel better?

Maybe temporarily, but in the long run you will be valued for how kind your words were, how funny your jokes were and how intellectual your thoughts were. So stop being a giant douche because you think you’re pretty and start being a human being.