Perfecting The Art of Passive Aggression

As a person, you have definitely had your fair share of conflicts. What makes us all different is how we choose to handle the problems that we face. After 22 years of existence, I can say with the utmost sincerity and confidence that you should always handle your problems by not handling them at all.

Easy, right? Yes! We should all absolutely strive to handle any curve ball that life throws at us by being passive aggressive. By not addressing things that are upsetting us, making us uncomfortable, pose a legal threat or are life threatening, we can safely assume it will just always, always go away.

Is your roommate a disrespectful, arrogant twit?

Don’t say anything!!!! If you say something to them, then they may know you’re upset and that will be so awkward especially because you’re right. Instead, make sure you leave the place EXTRA gross. This may help them feel motivated to help out.

Is your boyfriend/girlfriend doing things that really piss you off?

DO NOT CONFRONT THEM ABOUT THIS! In fact, in any romantic relationship it is best to never verbally communicate at all. You should handle all of your issues by writing each other angry notes, one-worded texts and keying each other’s cars. You’re welcome!

Is someone not paying you back or owes you money?

Don’t remind them, that’s rude. Yeah, so what if you lent them $400 and you’re late on your rent this month? It’s important that you don’t freak out so that you seem cool. We all know that our credit scores are affected by how cool we are, not how fast we pay things back! Try saying nasty comments during unrelated scenarios with this person, they should remember this way!

Are you feeling really disheartened by a friendship in your life? Has someone done something to betray your trust or disrespected you?

Good! This is great practice for you. Now is your chance to give the “cold shoulder” a whole new meaning. Forget nasty looks, you’re going to pretend this person is dead. You’ve been friends for 15 years? Make sure you look down at your phone extra hard/long when you pass by. One second for every year that you’ve been friends.

Second approach: You can take pictures with another friend and caption them colorfully with things like this, “BEST FRIENDS!” “SO GLAD I FOUND YOU!” “NO NEW FRIENDS” this will let the other person know you have moved on.

Is your internship/job not rewarding, not valuable and oppressive?

Don’t speak up or leave it! Remain in your state of oppression. This will prepare you for a life time of unhappiness, and it’s great for making you extra good at being complacent. Pretend you’re so happy, and let everyone know how great it is through snarky/snide comments.

It also helps not provide applicable skills or experiences. This is great if you’re looking for a real challenge at your next interview. It will make it extra hard to make up phrases and titles for doing things you hated and didn’t teach you anything.

Unsure about where things in your friends-with-benefits/booty call relationship is going, and you really like them?

Don’t talk about it with them. It’s best to leave things undefined, unclear and very blurry! Who cares if they’re seeing other people and it burns your heart, and destroys the last bits left of your soul? This makes life exciting and filled with way more anxiety. You’re so fun AND chill. Bonus!

Ready? Set? Fail.

I Don’t Care About ‘Cool,’ I’d Rather Be Real

The idea of cool is one that we’ve been chasing since forever, and it’s probably not going to stop any time soon. Advertisers, marketers and all businesses thrive and deliver based on what we deem ‘cool.’ There are actually real jobs out there entitled, Cool Hunters. I’m serious, Google it.

But what is cool? I honestly have no idea anymore.

In middle school, ‘cool’ was simple. Cool was wearing Abercrombie and Juicy Couture. In high school, cool was drinking with the older kids and getting away with it. In college, maybe ‘cool’ is Greek life, or sports or whatever. What is it now in this strange and uncharted territory that is also known as Adulthood? All I know is, it’s no longer black and white.

The idea of cool is something I don’t think I can figure out. It seems to always be what’s “trending” but if being cool means being apart of what’s trending, then I want nothing to do with it. Most of the time, what’s trending isn’t necessarily good.

Let’s take a closer look here, shall we?

What’s popular on Instagram? Naked bodies, and mostly people exploiting themselves. What’s popular on Twitter? People participating in degrading conversations regarding gender and sexuality. What’s popular on TV? People who couldn’t tell you what’s going on in Syria, Europe or even in their own backyards.

This is not to say that all social media platforms are completely made up of the above. With every rule comes an exception and undoubtedly, there are a ton of awesome people/brands/ideas that exist. My point here is that it can sometimes seem like the negatives or most superficial things in life are deemed the “coolest.” This is where we get led way off track.

Many of the ideas and people I’m referring to reinforce the idea that being hot, overly-sexual, rude, racist, sexist, rich and so on, is the only way to identify or appear as cool. Perhaps ‘cool’ is what the majority are following.

I think many of us (or at least I’m hoping) are at the point in our lives where being cool actually seems like it takes way too much effort, and comes with very little benefits besides an obscene amount of likes/followers. So, I will happily sit this one out and pass. If being completely superficial and ignorant is what most people think is awesome, I want nothing to do with it. (Unfortunately, my high school self would have jumped on this superficial train faster than you can say BAE).

But times have changed, and so have I. SO here’s why I don’t care about being cool; I’d rather be real:

I may not be able to win Miss America, but I’m funny as hell.

I may not know the hottest clubs but at least I can tell you what’s going on in the Middle East

I may not have the best reputation but at least I speak my mind

I may not be filthy rich but at least I’m happy

I may not have the “hottest” body but I can teach you something new about the world

I may not have a table at that club, but at least my friends actually like me

You may have unlimited access to your parent’s funds, but I know the value of hard work

You may have more “likes” on your Instagram picture, but I enjoyed my time instead of photographing it

You may make people laugh with sexist and racial slurs, but you really must hate yourself

Your parents may have pulled strings for your job, but I earned mine the hard way

You may have more “followers” but I have more fun

If you base your whole life around what is or isn’t cool, are you actually living it? It would seem that you’re just becoming another statistic, another like, follow, and retweet.

Wouldn’t you rather actually do whatever you enjoyed instead of feeling the need to brag about it? Chasing the idea of “cool” is how we lose ourselves and stop being real.