Perfecting The Art of Passive Aggression

As a person, you have definitely had your fair share of conflicts. What makes us all different is how we choose to handle the problems that we face. After 22 years of existence, I can say with the utmost sincerity and confidence that you should always handle your problems by not handling them at all.

Easy, right? Yes! We should all absolutely strive to handle any curve ball that life throws at us by being passive aggressive. By not addressing things that are upsetting us, making us uncomfortable, pose a legal threat or are life threatening, we can safely assume it will just always, always go away.

Is your roommate a disrespectful, arrogant twit?

Don’t say anything!!!! If you say something to them, then they may know you’re upset and that will be so awkward especially because you’re right. Instead, make sure you leave the place EXTRA gross. This may help them feel motivated to help out.

Is your boyfriend/girlfriend doing things that really piss you off?

DO NOT CONFRONT THEM ABOUT THIS! In fact, in any romantic relationship it is best to never verbally communicate at all. You should handle all of your issues by writing each other angry notes, one-worded texts and keying each other’s cars. You’re welcome!

Is someone not paying you back or owes you money?

Don’t remind them, that’s rude. Yeah, so what if you lent them $400 and you’re late on your rent this month? It’s important that you don’t freak out so that you seem cool. We all know that our credit scores are affected by how cool we are, not how fast we pay things back! Try saying nasty comments during unrelated scenarios with this person, they should remember this way!

Are you feeling really disheartened by a friendship in your life? Has someone done something to betray your trust or disrespected you?

Good! This is great practice for you. Now is your chance to give the “cold shoulder” a whole new meaning. Forget nasty looks, you’re going to pretend this person is dead. You’ve been friends for 15 years? Make sure you look down at your phone extra hard/long when you pass by. One second for every year that you’ve been friends.

Second approach: You can take pictures with another friend and caption them colorfully with things like this, “BEST FRIENDS!” “SO GLAD I FOUND YOU!” “NO NEW FRIENDS” this will let the other person know you have moved on.

Is your internship/job not rewarding, not valuable and oppressive?

Don’t speak up or leave it! Remain in your state of oppression. This will prepare you for a life time of unhappiness, and it’s great for making you extra good at being complacent. Pretend you’re so happy, and let everyone know how great it is through snarky/snide comments.

It also helps not provide applicable skills or experiences. This is great if you’re looking for a real challenge at your next interview. It will make it extra hard to make up phrases and titles for doing things you hated and didn’t teach you anything.

Unsure about where things in your friends-with-benefits/booty call relationship is going, and you really like them?

Don’t talk about it with them. It’s best to leave things undefined, unclear and very blurry! Who cares if they’re seeing other people and it burns your heart, and destroys the last bits left of your soul? This makes life exciting and filled with way more anxiety. You’re so fun AND chill. Bonus!

Ready? Set? Fail.

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