The Real Translation of “I Literally Can’t”

Being able to speak more than one language is probably one of the most impressive things you can do. You may have tried to even to do this by attempting to learn Spanish in the 8th grade, only to find that you failed miserably at it.

Nonetheless, every time someone asks if you can speak another language you will (without fail) let them know, “Un poco.” Hey, at least you tried.

I’m not fluent in anything besides English, and unless very intoxicated, mi espanol es no bueno.

However, I have been #blessed with the ability to translate the ever-popular and female associated phrase, “I literally can’t.”

Now I know that this phrase is looked down upon, mocked and not taken seriously, but I would like to shed some light on it by offering the translations.

Honestly, it’s completely applicable to almost any situation and it can also mean 800 different things.

Seriously, kudos for being versatile.

Location: Frat Party

“I literally can’t with him”

Translation 1: You’re annoyed because he’s ridiculous. He said he was into you the other day and now is purposefully ignoring you. You can see he read your latest text. HE READ IT.

Translation 2: You’re so frustrated right now because you and Pat hooked up last week but now he’s acting like this is the first time you’ve met…

Translation 3: He’s so funny, sometimes you don’t think anyone else could make you laugh as much as him, but you’re saying this to demonstrate exaggeration and an over-dramatic effect.

Location: Sunday Brunch

“I literally can’t even with that picture.”

Translation 1: You have just seen an Instagram of someone you dislike and this picture is irritating. You never want to see it again, thanks.

Translation 2: You have just spotted a tragic image of yourself floating around the Internet and you are totally appalled that you allowed yourself to look that disheveled.

Translation 3: You have replayed a Snapchat story only to find that Jessica lied about not going out last night. Not pleased.

Location: Class

“I literally can’t even right now.”

Translation 1: You have zero idea about what the professor has been saying this entire class and now  really can’t decide if you should get the notes or just let it go, but mostly you want to let it go because this class sux.

Translation 2: It’s raining outside and your hair looks like you rolled around in a dumpster and forgot to brush it. You don’t want to be in this class but also don’t want to walk back to your apartment in this.

Translation 3: You are about to hand in the worst excuse for an essay ever and it’s straight up giving you anxiety. ANXIETY.

So instead of seeing this phrase as something that’s merely annoying, think about the ambiguity and mystery that’s wrapped into one phrase. Exciting stuff.

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