Breaking News: Pizza Is Going Extinct & Makes You Sexy

Let’s talk about a serious issue here. I know things have been tense lately.  We all have our sides, opinions and decisions to make. There’s an endless list of all the problems in America and as millennials, we need to be involved. After all, this is an election year.

There has been a ton of controversial and heavy topics that we have weighed in on this year – one of the most crucial being pizza.

That’s right. Pizza is a big topic that needs to be addressed.

Pizza is BAE. Pizza is apparently now the best thing to ever happen to anyone ever. 

The amount of Instagram, Snapchats and tweets that read “Pizza is BAE” are alarming. People truly feel that a saturated fat/carbohydrate is “before any one else” leading me to believe that we have bigger fish to fry then the fact that you’re putting yourself at risk for Type 2 Diabetes.

The phenomenon of pizza is one that must mean pizza is “Before Arteries Existed” because the amount of pizza being consumed is abnormal. Except what’s ironic here is half the pizza we see photographed is probably not being consumed. We are wasting good food.

We all know you’re a liar if you try and tell us you ate an entire pizza pie by yourself in one night. You would be vomiting it, not photographing it. We’re wasting time.

Once again our images are all for show (shocking I know).

But here’s the real head scratcher, when women post pictures of themselves showcasing their greasy eating habits, this makes them sexy. (?)

However, when we post pictures advertising no makeup or rocking sweats, we are no longer as hot? I need clarification here.

Why does eating fatty food make me hot? Why does being healthy make me gross? Science says the opposite so I’m a wee bit conflicted at the moment.

Eating badly leads to disease, which can ultimately lead to death. Does this mean death is now hotter than being alive? Please advise so I can adjust accordingly. 

While pizza is forever a win, let’s understand that it is now being used as a way to instruct women and make them feel like they must fit a gender stereotype. Rah, rah sexism.

Basically, this is what I’ve gathered from the pizza trend:

It’s cool if you eat pizza and you’re really skinny because you’re living up to unrealistic standards. Working out? Psh, forget it! You barely work out because you don’t gain weight. You could eat fast food every day and still have abs because you’re just that great.

Pizza is an accessory. Forget that new purse – pizza makes you seem cooler. If you pretend like you don’t give a crap and eat crap but still look good, you’re like, really pretty.

You may think you’re really cute, but that picture of you and a Diet Snapple is disgusting and you need to check yourself.

Pizza is also going extinct I can only assume that the sudden crazy obsession with cheese and dough must mean that it is coming to an end and people are freaking out and trying to get their fill of pizza before it’s too late.

People are literally saying that they would put a pizza (which they just met) before any one else. This is probably not good.

We need to start determining our allies and forming alliances ASAP because it’s everyone for themselves out there. You may need your best friend to come over to comfort you in your time of need, but they need you take a rain check because the Domino’s guy just got there, and unless you can cover yourself in cheese and sauce…pass.

How do we make America great again if the pizza is going extinct? Will girls still be hot without pizza? Who is the swing vote here? The pizza?

I need answers.





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