Thinking Out Loud: Stop Offering Me Your Post-Grad Advice

You’re all thinking it, so I’ll just say it: Can everyone stop asking all of us what we’re doing with our lives next year? To say it’s annoying is a very large understatement. When I’m not listening to everyone in my classes trigger their own panic attacks, I’m listening to older people try to give me one.

First of all, you are going to get a job. Sure, maybe it’s not going to be your DREAM JOB but you’re going to get one. Secondly, freaking out is solving and doing nothing (like, literally). I’m not sure why other people are so concerned with my life choices, because up until this point I think I’ve done pretty well for myself.

If you’re not my parents, can you please stop telling me what I “SHOULD” be doing? Did you write a manual or guide for this sort of thing? Did you create a “Job Searching For Dummies,” book? My guess is NO. So please refrain from offering me your anxiety and advice.

I’m not sure what it is about hearing this phrase, “This is my _________ and she/he is graduating this year,” but this statement really triggers people’s protective instincts along with a side of cynicism. Here are all the phrases people who barely know me have offered:

1. You should apply to everything and anything. You don’t get to be picky.
Yeah, I should definitely apply to things that don’t interest me, I’m not qualified for and wouldn’t be a good fit for. This makes sense to me, that is helpful.

2. You’re going to have a really hard time…
These people are clearly the psychics of the world. They’re giving out free readings!!

3. You’re traveling after? Shouldn’t you be joining the real world?
I’m sorry, does getting on an airplane to travel to another country constitute as leaving this planet and entering a different dimension? My bad, I guess I need more than a passport now.

4. Oh….are you sure you want to do that?
Uh…am I sure I want to be happy and pursue a dream? Yup, 100% positive but thanks for your kind words of discouragement. You rock, man!

5. You haven’t started applying yet? Not a good move.
OH, sorry! Did you have some unspoken, invisible deadline I was supposed to meet even though we met five minutes ago?

6. That doesn’t pay very well….
Right, because happiness = money. I always forget, lol!

I just don’t understand why people who are not my parents or close loved ones, care so much about what I’m doing? I got this far didn’t I? You certainly did not pay for my college education or overall existence; was there some hidden investment that went down or some ulterior motives you had in mind for me? I get that people might be trying to offer advice but come on, you don’t have to be discouraging about it.

Maybe we don’t get to be the pickiest when it comes to jobs but we at least get to have a say. We know we want to be passionate, interested and excited about something before getting involved and I think that’s completely fair. The only stranger who’s allowed to offer me their life advice is Ed Sheeran because he literally can’t stop thinking out loud. So if you’re not him, bye!

13 Things You’re Way Too Old To Be Doing In Your Twenties

If you’re reading this, let’s hope it’s not too late.

We all have those friends or maybe it’s even you, that just cannot get it together. No matter how much advice or encouragement you try to offer it just does not register that they need to seriously re-evaluate their priorities.

Watching them can sometimes feel like the equivalent of watching an 8th grader; it’s painful and you’re embarrassed to be associated with it.

If you’re a senior in college or older, I sincerely hope most of you have outgrown the tragic habits of the past. However, it seems some people just can’t shake it off. These habits enrage me because I was always taught to have it together, or at least do a good job of pretending. If you’re doing any of the following, please comment and I can definitely offer some suggestions of some excellent mental health clinicians.

1. Abbreviating EVERYTHING

PLEASE STOP THIS. No, really. Please stop. This is so painful for everyone who is forced to be around you. “OMG, that’s gorg.” It’s gorgeous, not gorg. When you say gorg it makes me think you’re referring to those over-sized vegetables or a monster.

OR

“Obvi” instead of obviously. What is not obvious to me is why you’re using this word. It honestly kind of sounds like you’re about to say ovulation and then realize it’s awkward and stop.

2. Talking Badly About Best Friends

Hello! This is a reminder that you graduated middle school a very, very long time ago and this behavior is not acceptable. You have a problem with a friend? Talk to them about it. Calling them a list of your abbreviated mean names solves nothing. You don’t like a friend anymore? Stop being friends with them. There, problem solved.

3. Subtweeting Or Making Snide Remarks Via Social Media

There is nothing that is scarier than a person who takes to social media to try and act like a tough guy. You just look like you’re not sure how to construct a well-rounded argument. Hop off.

4. Throwing Up From Drinking

We have all had our nights, and we will still continue to have our fun but let’s do so responsibly. Yes, sometimes it’s just the wrong combo of food and drinks, or maybe you were 16 and took a whole bottle to the face behind a 7/11, but most of the time you are completely in control of how your body reacts to alcohol.

You’ve been drinking for years. You know your limits. Stop pushing them. It’s not funny anymore to be the friend puking at the bar. It’s straight up embarrassing and concerning.

5. Getting Mad At Your One-Night Stands

You know what a booty call is. You know what a casual hook up is. Please stop acting surprised when the guy you met at the sleazy bar does not call you back or suggest an evening out on the town.

Hence the “one night” in one-night stand.

6. Being Dirty

Please do your laundry and change your sheets at least once a month. Your mother would be appalled if she saw how much you don’t clean. Don’t be gross.

7. Getting High Before Important Events

If you wanna smoke that is your prerogative, but getting high before job interviews, tests or family affairs is just not okay. You’re at the point in your life where people expect to have engaging interactions with you, not just talk to a glazed over version of yourself.

8. Yelling Indoors

Shhhhh. Inside voices, guys! If you’re still screaming like an angry five year old when you’re sober and/or drunk, stop it. You’re bothering legitimately everyone.

9. Not Cleaning Up After Yourself

The amount of times my mom yelled at me to put dishes in the dishwasher is haunting and I will never forget. She was also right. Leaving dirty dishes out and letting trash pile up attracts BUGS and RATS. I’m taking a shot in the dark here, but I’m assuming you don’t like rodents and bugs so clean up. The only maid service you can afford right now is yourself.

10. Using Your Parents Credit Card

If you’re working a full time job and still charging your Uber’s on your parent’s card, you and your parents need an intervention to be scheduled.

11. Losing Cell Phones

This was funny when it happened freshman or sophomore year of college, but now you just look like a hot mess. iPhones are not cheap and you can’t justify this with, “my parents will just get me another one.” No, no they will not.

Don’t drop your phone in the toilet, leave it in a cab, or forget it at the bar. Just hold on to it.

12. Eating Poorly

Your body can only handle so many preservatives and artificial crap for so long before you actually become malnourished. Ramen noodles and PB&J sandwiches may have been fine alternatives for dinner a few years ago but now your body desperately needs vegetables, fruits and oh yeah, vitamins.

13. Spending over $100 at the bar.

If you know you can’t afford it, don’t do it. Buying people drinks is impressive in the moment. What won’t be impressive is your negative balance the next AM.

7 “Sexy” Halloween Costumes That Should Have Never Happened

Fall is officially upon us and that means three things: Pumpkin spice lattes, Instagramming the leaves, and my favorite, Halloween. Even though it’s no longer acceptable in society to be a 20 something ringing doorbells and asking strangers for candy, at least we can still dress up.

I’m sure I’m not the only one that has noticed in the past couple of years that there is a super big emphasis on “sexy”costumes. There are sexy cats, sexy angels, sexy cops, sexy cowboys, sexy everything. Sexy.

Some of the costumes I’ve seen advertised are pretty ridiculous and pretty far from sexual until someone literally sat down at a drawing board and intentionally made these things slutty. So these are seven of the many “sexy” costumes I’ve seen and I’m confused as to how to feel about them. Are they so wrong they’re right or simply just wrong? I’m thinking just wrong:

1. Bumble Bee

I had no idea a bumble bee was sexy. Hell, I had no idea insects in general were considered attractive. Who knew! But here it is, introducing the sexy bumble bee: because who wouldn’t want to have sex with a bumble bee? I guess it can work as long as there’s no stinger, right?

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2. Minnie Mouse

The family favorite, Disney character is now a slut. Come on, Minnie. I thought you out of all of them would have been the one Disney star that didn’t go wild. What would Walt say? SMH.

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3. Oscar The Grouch – Sesame Street

Also known as the muppet that legitimately lives inside of a garbage can. Oscar now comes in a sexually arousing version of the character. The costume features a body con skirt and crop top. You’d think that living inside a closed container and on top of dirt and germs would make you want to cover up but I guess not.

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4. Scooby Doo

I loved watching this cartoon as a kid except when I watched it Scooby wasn’t a hooker. Times have changed. But hey, maybe he could get away with it…if it wasn’t for those meddling cops.

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5. Grapes

If I had known that fresh produce was now a sexual item I would have definitely changed my grocery shopping habits. I guess I would start buying these a little less publicly because now, they are apparently a sexual product. This gives healthy eating a whole new meaning, literally.

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6. Devil

For as long as I can remember Hell has always been a place to fear. I heard it’s way too hot and the people aren’t so friendly, but check out this costume: The Sexy Devil. Hey, if this is what Satan looks like then maybe being condemned to a fiery pit in the Earth isn’t so bad after all. Heaven may have a new competitor.

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7. Prisoner

Yes, being incarcerated is now hot. I don’t know about you but I love a “sexy” serial killer and nothing screams authentic like one wearing a crop top and booty shorts. If prison was actually like this I think a lot more people would be trying to get in than out.

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